I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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