someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
