drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
