Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
