Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
