How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
