i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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