Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
