She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
