Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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