I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
