I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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