We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
