i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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