i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Semen is not good for contacts.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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