soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
