Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
