The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
