and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
How does it feel to date your dad?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
