and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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