I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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