Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
this hospital has no fireball
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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