why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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