How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
