overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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