I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
