I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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