apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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