He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
