hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
