Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Randomize
