I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
