just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
