just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
