So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
