this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
