The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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