there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
