I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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