I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
