she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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