So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
there's paper in my vomit.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
