Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
