i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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