You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
