I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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