i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
