I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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