There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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