Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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