I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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