Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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